NUNDRUM SYSTEM™
Department of Existential Support • Cosmic Bureaucracy Division
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The Nundrum System™ is a cosmic bureaucracy responsible for processing and documenting human existential malfunctions.
The true origin of the Nundrum System™ remains shrouded in existential ambiguity and inscrutable irony. Its creation is attributed to a nebulous collective known only as the Department of Existential Support—an enigmatic entity whose exact nature, purpose, and funding sources remain a mystery even to its own members.
Those working within this cosmic bureaucracy have no clear memory of how they arrived at their roles, nor any understanding of the ultimate objective behind their increasingly surreal tasks. They find themselves eternally drained, mildly empathetic yet emotionally detached, perpetually descending deeper into the bureaucratic layers of cosmic absurdity.
Rumors suggest the system was inspired by misunderstood readings of fortune cookies, horoscope apps, and motivational posters from abandoned corporate training seminars. One popular theory posits that the entire Nundrum System™ was accidentally launched into existence when a tired existential technician muttered "Let's just see what happens," inadvertently initiating the universe's most elaborate joke on humanity itself.
SYSTEM FUNCTIONS:
- • Processing existential support tickets
- • Monitoring biological runtime errors
- • Documenting social protocol violations
- • Archiving incidents of cosmic irony
- • Maintaining inadequate patches for human consciousness
The Nundrum System™ is divided into specialized departments, each responsible for a different category of human malfunction:
Department of Gut Instincts and Deferred Defecation
Responsible for managing biological imperatives and their inconvenient timing, particularly focusing on gastric uncertainty and inappropriate evacuation urges.
Department of Accidental Broadcasts
Oversees all instances of unintended information sharing, from Bluetooth audio mishaps to inappropriate text messages sent to the wrong recipient.
Department of Biological Runtime Deprecation
Monitors the aging process and implements increasingly inefficient patches to maintain basic functionality despite hardware degradation.
Department of Recursive Thought Loops
Manages cases of mental processing errors, particularly focusing on overthinking, rumination, and catastrophic extrapolation from minimal data.
Department of Unsolicited Flesh Responses
Handles all cases of inappropriate bodily reactions, from public erections to unexpected physiological responses in professional settings.
Department of Social Protocol Violations
Processes incidents of conversational malfunction, awkward pauses, and catastrophic faux pas in group settings.
Incident #3089 — Business Casual Moose Knuckle Conundrum
Date: REDACTED | Severity: CRITICAL
An infamous glitch categorized as the "Business Casual Visibility Event" inexplicably caused spontaneous erections during professional meetings, specifically when wearing thin trousers...
Incident #2347 — The Great Urinal Eye-Contact Crisis
Date: REDACTED | Severity: SEVERE
During a misapplied cosmic "update" intended to enhance human connectedness, the system mistakenly forced prolonged and deeply uncomfortable eye contact between strangers at public urinals worldwide...
Incident #4019 — Catastrophic Coffee Order Amnesia
Date: ONGOING | Severity: MODERATE
A recurring system malfunction causing humans to completely forget their prepared coffee order the moment they reach the front of a café line, despite having waited 10+ minutes with the sole purpose of ordering said coffee...
(Warning: Loading more existential failures may trigger introspection)
To submit your existential malfunction for processing by the Department, please complete account registration or sign in.
RECENTLY PROCESSED TICKETS:
- • "Why did I wave back at someone who wasn't waving at me?"
- • "My brain keeps auto-filling song lyrics with incorrect words."
- • "I temporarily forgot my own name when introducing myself."
- • "My stomach makes the loudest noises only during silent moments."